Kill All Hippies!

One day, Kaz was on the set of Tainted Lust, a rather poetic film about a virgin lost in an Insane Asylum. In that film she had her hair dyed black, and was wearing a thin white shirt, open teasingly just enough, but not quite. She also had wide satin black tie loosely knotted around her neck. She placed both her palms on the wall, and invited a visibly erect Brad (and I’m not quoting William Blake here in case you mistake it) to “Come and get some.”

With Brad’s fingers just about to take off her polyester grey skirt, Kaz had, like many before her, a moment of clarity. Porn gave her money, a plush flat in the centre of Glasgow, entry into any nightclub. She was financially secure, and famous in her own introverted little world. It’s quite easy to guess what that moment of clarity was. To get all of that she had to get shafted, in public, on a regular basis. Nice.

To add atmosphere the director had been playing Enter Sandman by Metallica in the background, to give the feel of the film more of a dark fetish quality. She looked into the eyes of the sound engineer, the director, the producer, the best boy, the grip, the fifteen nude other actors, and straightened up. She looked Brad, right in the eye, who by that point was looking to the producer / director for some kind of explanation.

“So are we gonna fuck or what?” Brad demanded.

Kaz jumped off the bus at Paisley Cross and was intent on heading straight home. For a moment she looked at the grey weathered statue of the knight on the horse and realised she had lived in that town for twenty five whole years since being born in that rat infested, drug ridden hole and hadn’t a clue who he was. She said to me recently that she always thought it was “just some guy” and at that moment realised she didn’t who the hell he was. She looked around and found Paisley Abbey, and for a moment thought the answers to her existential dilemma lay there. But she spotted the glittering neon markets and money changers surrounding the abbey and turned away.

When the world beats less and less, you can find yourself no matter how bad it gets. Kaz has always stated that this was her starting point. Kaz’s antics had consigned her to the dustbin of porndom and to be really honest, how low can you go from there? Kaz packed everything she had into a black canvas rucksack and chanced into the living room to find some more clothes.

In the living room, she passed her mirror for the briefest of seconds and saw a flash of her intended past. She discarded the porn clothes, had intended to dye her hair blonde, but something went wrong in the two hours after she finished which dyed part of the front and back red, leaving the rest blonde. Then she got dressed, smashed the mirror and left.

The first place Kaz reached after leaving Paisley, was back in Glasgow, and from there she went up to Inverness. There is an explanation behind this, but to be fair, Kaz is a tad irrational at times. She likes to say she’s spontaneous, but spontaneity never built any empires. She is, however, determined, optimistic and clever, which have. I say clever, how about a genius level IQ? Why someone like that ended up in porn is pretty weird to me. We talked about this prior to the Pyramid, in the Jacobite Inn which I think was in the north of the City. On both these points Kaz said:

“I went to Inverness, dickhead, because I fucking well wanted to. Okay? What does it matter why I went to Inverness. I did porn, cos I wasn’t going to spend the next twenty years in some office getting a plastic pension, a bonus and getting boned by my boss. It gave me money. And I didn’t have to research physics for British Aerospace to get loads either.”

“Kaz, come on. You can’t just decide to go to Inverness, it’s hardly Glasgow or London. You don’t just end up there. When you get to the top of Scotland, you have to make some kind of effort to get there.”

She paused, smiled a bit and replied: “Max, I went to Inverness because I figured at the time it was the antithesis of what I wanted to escape from.”

She lit up a Marlboro Light and flicked the cigarette packet over the thick and dark wooden table. I picked one out, lit it and flicked the packet back.

“There’s only so many times,” she continued “where you can wrap your legs around somebody’s face, with my IQ, and feel satisfied.”

“Kaz.”

“Yeah.”

“Will you marry me?”

“The only chance you have of marrying me is if I’m lying, tied to a sawmill and about to be raped by Hillbillies in America and you make Rambo look like the Dalai Lama.”

“You hate America.”

“Don‘t book Our Lady and St. Fuckwits too soon then.”

“But you’d marry me right?”

I guess the main question is how Kaz found out about Reality Switching, and who she switched with. It’s also the same reason as to how she ended up a Professional Adventurer. You see, the last section was pretty reasonable (as all this generally goes) but you’re probably not going to like this. I’d leave now if you’ve read Jane Austen and thought it was “fascinating.”

A person inside a bottle of ginseng always destroys a monkey.

“Eh?” Kaz said abruptly startled, reading a Daily Record inside the toilet of Inverness Bus Station.

The words had appeared scrawled on the toilet wall in large black letters below an AIDS warning poster hung home-sweet-home like on the toilet cubicle door.

“Weirdo teuchters. Should’ve gone to the borders,” she muttered underneath her breath. She flicked the paper as if she was in an American Movie and continued reading.

Kaz dropped the Paper. Then, as if a golden lake was dripping sparks up to the ceiling, her body evaporated into blackness and reappeared in the Inverness toilet she was in. Shaking, confused she threw the paper down and staggered outside. She looked deeply into her now-green eyes and wondered why they had changed colour. Then she freaked. Then she calmed, freaked again, calmed and stared blankly at the mirror while deciding whether or not to freak again. The mirror had an elongated spiralling crack which erupted from the ceiling and finished at her left nostril.

Behind her in the mirror was a tall man with long black hair, with a dark green trench coat over a Kaz Porn Star T-Shirt on. Kaz was too perplexed to answer, so she washed her face. When she shook the water off he was still there, his head tilted forward, and a cold manic look in his eyes.

“Welcome back online Kaz.” He stated, firmly. To be more precise, I stated it, firmly, almost resolutely.

“Why don’t you just fuck off?”

“Why don’t you just stay beautiful.”

She dampened her face down again, and then turned around, hands on hips and spat at me.

“I fucking quit.”

“Eh?”

“The T-Shirt. I’m not in that game anymore.”

“Thank fuck, I was beginning to hope you’d never quit. Does that mean you’ll consider my offer?”

“What... fucking... offer...”

I stood there looking perplexed. Then I asked her: “What’s your name here?”

“Katherine Ireland.”

“Oh right. Wow. Never expected that.”

“Eh? You make less sense than the Sci-Fi Channel.”

“Okay, I’ll make this quick. You’re not Katherine Ireland, Porn Star. You’re Kaz Hiashi, porn star.”

“How’s that different. That’s my screen name.”

“Here, that’s your real name.”

“Where’s here.”

“Inverness.”

“So my real name is Kaz in Inverness,” she replied incredulously. “Just Inverness, what about Bellshill?”

“Okay, you don’t get it. Fine. I’ll show you. Come outside.”

“Fuck off you piece of shit.”

“Fine so storm the fuck off outside for all I care, just fuck the hell off outside.”

She pushed me out the way (feisty is our Kaz) and rather belatedly asked me what the hell was going on when she saw the giant Blue Pyramid outside. With her face on it.

“Where the fuck did THAT come fae?”

“That’s just plastic mostly, the real blue pyramid is underground. You’re very big around these parts.”

“When the fuck did they build that, it wisnae here when I came into the bog.”

“They’ve got Blue Pyramids in all versions of Inverness Kaz. Except the 14th, but they’re rather fucked up in that one...“ then I paused. The Kaz I was looking for came from the 15th. So I checked my little handheld reality switcher. I punched the version of what you’ll know as last-number-redial. Up came number 14. Yep. Dialled the wrong fucking number. Summoned and switched the wrong fucking Kaz.

“Sorry sweetheart, got the wrong Kaz, I’ll...” I don’t think she entirely wanted to go back. She broke my nose with a rather stunning left jab and stormed out of the toilet. I staggered after her.

I fell in love with Kaz at that point. All the rest were... well... wet. They were bright, intelligent, a bit normal, but she was... out there man. I was wanting to hire the Kaz from the 15th reality to be MY assistant. Now I had switched a virgin switcher who was now stamping rather angrily towards her own image, which was dripping in cum and smiling at the population of Inverness. Hardly a good start to your first switch. And she wasn’t that happy about it.

“What you going to do Kaz,” I stammered, breathlessly following her pace.

“I’m going to burn the fucking place down....”her voice tailed off and she looked at me enquiringly.

“...Max.”

“I’m going burn the fuckers, Max.”

“How do you propose to burn it Kaz?”

“I propose to work that out when I fucking get there Max.”

“Okay. Good enough.”

“Thank you Max.”

“Just one thing.”

“Fuck off Max.”

“You fucking own it. It’s worth millions.”

That put the brakes on that little conversation.

“How do you propose to hire me, if I own that fucking place.”

“Weeellll, technically YOU don’t own that place. Technically the 27th reality Kaz owns that place. Me and the 15th reality Kaz kind of wanted it.”

“You wanted it?”

“We were going to switch her.”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“Only to people that KNOW about switching. Most people don’t. Like you for instance.”

“How many people know about switching.”

“About...”

“A lot?”

“Three.”

“Are two of them called Kaz?”

“Er... yeah.”

She started smiling. A lot.