Batmangate - Wendy’s Resignation and the Superhero Sex Sessions

However, your 100% never wrong, ultra reliable Daily Retard can finally reveal the truth behind Virgin Wendy’s fall from grace. It all happened at the premier to Braveheart.

Neither were actually there (as the bouncers said “Nae Tossers”). However, peeved at being turned away from Scotland’s most exciting film ever (no Gregory’s Girl doesn’t count) they decided to watch Ron Jeremy in Spunky Batman at the XXX Cinema Stirling. Tragically, neither realised that Spunky Batman didn’t refer to his Zest for life, nor did XXX mean the Cinema was sponsored by a crap Australian Lager.

They knew they had made a mistake when Ron demonstrated (on Batgirl, Catgirl, Ratgirl, Matgirl, and Janette Krankie) exactly what Spunky referred to. Embarrassed, and feeling that they were overdue some exposure in your racy rampant Retard, they slipped quietly out the cinema via a fire escape and back to John’s Stirling Pad for a Glenmorangie and Lemonade.

Somewhere along the line they realised how turned on they were, and decided to pump up the volume in their relationship. When the neighbours demanded they shut their Dire Straits Greatest Hits CD off, they instead screwed like insane fluffy bunny rabbits on Viagra.

Eventually Wendy confessed, as John lay smoking a Cuban Cigar, that had been a virgin and was he any good? John stormed out the bedroom, Wendy heard some rustling, and John stormed back in again. Now fully dressed at Batman, John set to make it a night to remember.

An exclusive entry in Wendy’s diary reveals: “John makes love like Sushi: Small, fishy but it taste’s great. “ Another exclusive entry in her diary reveals: “I keep finding some perv has stolen my knickers and has possibly been rifling through my diary. ” Ahem.

These nights of passion because weeks of passion, and those weeks of passion became knackering (cos we’re only human) so they went back to nights of passion. This happened until the Labour Party National Conference when Chancellor Gordon Brown decided to drop in to see how Wendy was getting on with his homework. What he found shocked even Tony Blair: Wendy in a batgirl costume, John Swinney as her Damsel in this dress (THE PUN WASN’T THAT BAD SHUT IT!)

Naturally the cover-up was instigated, however word leaked out and small minded Labour Party Apparatchiks demanded answers. When they got them, they were happy. For they had just learnt their Nine Times Table. Then they found out about Wendy and were pissed again.

SNP apparatchiks and Labour spin doctors formulated a solution that would pacify all parties in both the SNP and Labour. Instigated was the “Parly Swingers Society.” The club lasted only three days. What happened was this: Labour peeps pulled names out of a hat for whom to shag. First Meenister Jack “The Hat” McConnell pulled Roseanna Cunningham. Jack was hoping for Nicola Sturgeon, cos apparently she sucks like a... Sorry, we digress.