When Christians Attack!

By Retard Investigative Reporter

It was a pagan festival almost a week after Christmas. In a quaint little town, just to the right of Livingston, called Edinburrah, there was a gathering of the pagans. There was dancing, there was singing, there was Shereen Nanjiani.

In a dingy Edinburgh Dive Bar, revellers who had waited since 2pm. woke up from their alcohol induced slumbers and found that they had missed the Proclaimers on stage, but hadn’t missed the bells. However, they still had an hour to kill. What to do?

The vile, probably Catholic Church of Scotland, types dressed Retard Reporter Rob Sheelds’s dog, Fido, 7, up in a pink cardigan and started calling him “That Pop Idol guy, what‘s his name now? I‘ll be wonderin that aw night. Jeezo.”

Rob lost the Dog after that, but a Dog Psychiatrist, Dr. Wendy Beaver-Jones of Glasgow University said that: “This dogs behaviour exhibits behaviour resulting from multiple forced sexual encounters. Was that Edinburgh Pub full of Tcheuchters that night?” She then copied out a statement which she said had been “psychically” read from the dogs mind and denied she was another mad virgin sex-obsessed scientist who craved publicity from dumb newspapers.

Your caring Newspaper - the Daily Retard - decided to ask the founding fathers of Scottish Religion about the malpractice exhibited by delirious and mad followers of their demented covens. We got out our trusty Ouija Board and contact first: Cardinal Thomas Winning of the Catholic Church.

He said: “Look, we were all wrong. Jesus was really a pussy. No, I couldn’t believe it either. But the guy is boring. All he does is talk about celibacy and carpentry. Now, I’m a holy guy, but jesus, an eternity of this shite would drive me fuckin crazy. So what I did was, I confessed to that party wi’ the five nuns in the confessional that was remade in that film wi Ewan McGregor that wis banned. Now I’m having Jack Daniels with James Dean and sharing hair care tips with Jim Morrison and Richey Manic, who really is dead by the way.”

We then contacted Protestant Icon, John Knox. He said: "Look, I say let them rape the dog. I mean, none of us thought that all there’d be would be an eternity of chanting. And that Jesus, fuck, if this was Big Brother, even Brigton Brother would dae, I’d vote that sanctimonious little b***ard out. How many times is he going to show me how to make a wooden bowl? You don’t want to go to heaven, predestination is curse man. I tried to get in on that Willie’s Nun charge, but they didnae buy it. Fuck, they didnae build a heaven that could hold John Knox.”

When contacted about Fido’s predicament, both the Vatican and the Church of Scotland had the following Statement to make: “You people are sick, sick fucks. We’ve heard about you stealing Wendy Alexanders pants. Go away. No, really, you smell. Jesus was a good, good man. And not at all boring. And heaven is a glorious place filled with pixies, elves, niceness and loads of truth and revelation. No, we don’t know why but it is. Either way, Fido’s a dog, and dog’s are fucked. They don’t get into heaven. So we have produced, together, our own suggestion:

RECIPE FROM THE VATICAN AND THE CHURCH OF SCOTLAND

Labrador Chow Mein

(In China, chow mein is made with soft noodles. For crispy noodles, add more oil than the recipe calls for and cook the noodles longer to dry them out. You can substitute shrimp or pork for the Labrador)

Serves 4 to 6
Ingredients:
1 pound Labrador meat (or Corgi or Spaniel)
1 cup celery
1 pound bok choy or broccoli
1/2 pound fresh mushrooms, sliced
1/2 pound dry won ton noodles
1 pound bean sprouts or snow pea pods
1 medium onion, sliced
1 green onion, diced along the diagonal
1 carrot, sliced (optional)
1 red pepper, sliced (optional)

Seasonings for Labrador
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1 - 2 teaspoons oyster sauce
salt, pepper to taste
1 small piece (less than 1 teaspoon) of cornstarch

Gravy:
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 tablespoon oyster sauce
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1/2 cup water
Salt, accent (if desired) and pepper to taste

Directions:
Pre-preparation: Wash the bean sprouts to give them more time to drain.
Preparation: Boil noodles in salted boiling water until they are soft, but not sticky. (Break the noodles in half if desired so they are easier to manage). Blanch the noodles in cold water and drain.*
Cut the Labrador into thin strips. Add seasoning ingredients to Labrador, adding cornstarch last. Marinate Labrador in seasonings for 10 - 15 minutes.
While Labrador is marinating, prepare vegetables. Cut the bok choy diagonally into 1/2 inch thick slices, slice mushrooms. If substituting broccoli for bok choy, peel the stalks until no more strings come out, and slice thinly on the diagonal.
Heat the frying pan on high, add 2 tablespoons of oil and fry the noodles in small portions until they are golden. Use chopsticks to separate the noodles as they are frying. Remove the noodles. Add more oil and add the meat and onion to the pan. Stir-fry until the meat has no redness. Remove from wok or pan.
Cook the rest of the vegetables separately, adding a bit of salt if desired to taste. (With the bean sprouts and bok choy add a bit of sugar as well if desired). If desired, add about 1/4 cup of water and cover pan while cooking bok choy, as it doesn't contain much moisture.
Give the gravy a quick restir. Add all the ingredients back into the wok, making a "well" in the middle if the wok for the gravy. Mix well. Add green onions at this point if desired, or save them for a garnish. Pour on top of the noodles. Garnish with sesame seeds. Serve hot.