Kill All Hippies!
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Speech from the Dock - Tony Blair Speech from the Dock George W Bush I was a teenage Suicide Bomber! The Hobbit - As Retold by the Retard! Wendy Alexander and the Superhero Sex Sessions Vote Fascist for another Five Glorious Years. Henrick Larsson gives Lorenzo Amoruso a blow job. Monkey to head Afghan peace process.
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The Hobbit - As Retold by the Daily Retard on behalf of J. R. R. TolkienOnce upon a time, there live in a nice ickle hole in the ground, a creature called a Hobbit. His name was Bluebottle and he was Pisces. He was a male prostitute Hobbit. At weekends he played Archaos as a fill in DJ when the main DJ was too drunk to perform. When the DJ wasn’t too drunk to perform he danced like a bitch in one of their cages whilst wearing a pink leather thong.One day, Gandalf the Wizard wandered into town holding some nice yellow pills and a 14” Black Dildo. He passed by Bilbo Baggins house, ignored Frodo and Sam Gangee’s Alchohol den, Mary Materwee’s House of Pleasure and entered Bluebottle’s domain. Sleeping off a bottle of Jack Daniels from the night before, Bluebottle staggered warily to the door and called out: “I don’t want any of your bloody Pot Pourri. Jesus Motherfucking Christ it’s Sunday Morning. What sick fuck...” “Let me in, it’s Gandalf. I have an adventure for you. There’s this Dragon that lives in a big mountain who guards a tremendous treasure. I’ve got loads of dwarves with swords. Oh, and you get to meet Elves!” “I’ve already met some Elves on the last film set I was on. His name was Etherial the Blue Eyed, and my ass has never quite recovered. Bugger off and see Bilbo Baggins, he’s dumb enough to fall for one of your cheap ploys. Oh, and that last tab of acid you sold me was a dud. I want my fucking money back!” And so Gandalf the Grey walked away from Bluebottle’s house and saw Bilbo Baggins hitting a rock off his head whilst saying: “ARGH! The inside of my head is itchy! OW! OW! OW!” Consequently he followed Bluebottle’s sage advice and sent the dwarves over to Chateau Baggins with some Skin Flicks and some Reader’s Wives magazines. |
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