Vote Fascist for Another Glorious Five Years!

In a public statement Jack - also known as the S & M Superstar by Glasgow Prostitutes - said yesterday: “Hey baby, listen man, we’re cool with all this shit, but we’ve gotta like get busy.”

Public commentators remained stunned by McConnell’s cryptic statement. Last night Fran and Anna said: “It is an eternal verity when the soul is miscast in such a brutal fashion. I think Nietzsche put it best in his Will to Power commentary, and I think Mr. McConnell’s ideology and overall zeitgeist reflects this, while his unrestricted avowals testify to this.”

Jack McConnell’s period in office began with an admission of adultery on his part. What was not revealed at the time was the significant details behind it. Instead of a Bill Clinton style “image enhancement shag” which the press were fed, the Daily Retard can reveal that the affair was a three in the bed romp with Fred McCauley and Andy Cameron.

Scottish Funnyman McCauley was Dominant, while both Cameron and McConnell were his “bitches.” A photo, circulated around the internet at the time and thought to be a hoax, can now be confirmed as fact, and shows Cameron shoving a Fourteen Inch Dildo up Jack McConnell's a**e whilst McCauley whacked Cameron around the head with a copy of Have a Nice Day! by Professional Wrestler Mick Foley.

After the 2002 Abolition of Elections Bill is passed in December, all Local and Scottish Parliament Elections will be abolished and replaced with a “Nomination” system.

To quash rumours that this isn’t democratic, Newly appointed Transport Meenister Andrew Cameron of Ibrox & Govan said: “There was these two niggers who chucked some spears intae a pub and walked intae the bar. HURT HIS FUCKIN’ NAPPER DIDN’T HE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”