Kill All Hippies!

Hello. So how are you? Fine? Cool. Anyway, we have to get the technical stuff out of the way first, otherwise you might end up confused. Now don’t think I’m patronising you, it’s just someone around here needs help and it ain’t you okay?

Now I don’t want you to panic, but you’ve had a slight accident. Kind of a monumental one actually. It wasn’t pretty, and I don’t mind admitting that I’m not going to repeat it. But then you might not help. Fine, most first chapters introduce one of the main characters. The first would be you. Indeedy, fame at last. You are a legend. You’re a god. You’ve had sex with all the people you’ve ever wanted, and felt warm and squishy in more than one reality.

That’s the other point. Not where you are now. Nope. There you’re a nothing. Zip. De nada. Count Zero of the Security Guard Chess association. Your “that reality” life is so dull, so meaningless and so mind wrenchingly pedantic it’s a surprise you’ve actually not committed suicide yet. Go get that rope, or those razor blades because it’s not getting any better. Or READ ON... I keep doing that, I’m sorry.

What are you? In an office? In sales? I bet the only interesting thing you’ve done over there is to think about have sex with someone of the same sex. And even then you don’t admit it. You’re no fun.

There’s this place called Inverness, not in your reality, but in the 27th. So that you know where you and now, your reality is the 14th.

Okay, okay. This reality business. We should clear that up as your memory isn’t there anymore. You don’t remember the robotic razor enema? Really? Check your arse, seriously, that should still be a bit stingy.

Fine, I’ll focus, but that’s only because you’re starting to waver. Scientists in every dimension agree on one point, that other dimensions of reality exist ad infinitum. Albert Einstein (also inventor of hardcore pornography in the 17th reality) was working on such a posit before he died in the Korean War leading that infamous Black Charge up Nun-King-Wafflee Hill in Northern Korea. What a man to lose. We still cry, even now.

There’s this place called Inverness, not in your reality, but in the 27th. Same Scotland, same people. How do I explain this? Okay. Dimensions are a bit like have the biggest chess set in the world and in one room. In that room they play with just the pieces. But there are other rooms, with the same type of chess set where they use dice to determine how to move them; and another room they have sex on the chessboard. Same chess set, same players, same game, different rules. Imagine the chess set is the material world, and the player is you. You might only remember one room, but you are in many rooms. That is what reality is.

Now I’m not going on with this because it’s starting to sound like some sixties hippy new age garbage and we all know that in no reality did hippies ever reach Glasgow’s Garngad.